Xmas Prayer

I won't give up on my faith no matter how disapointing some of people claiming your followers are. They are always talking big about You and possess huge amount of knowledge of You, unimaginably deeper than the little I have. They go to church on regular basis, but little they do to transfer the truth of love they are exposed with into real actions. Lord, forgive me, I could be one of them. 

I can't resist to adore You. Thousands of generation of people have disapointed You, but you stay true to Your promise to be with us forever. That's more than what we can deserve. We are weak, vulnarable, fragile, and insecure.

Lord, You are also the perfect model of consistence and patience. These are what the world need amid the conflicting interests of each of us.

God. I am not doing churching. Some of your followers might judge me. Thankfully, I don't even care about that.

Remember God, I don't hate Your church and people, Throughout histories it's born witness to Your presence and has been becoming the well for the thirst. I am now in the need of being more intimate with you. Eyes to eyes. Heart to heart. A private relationship with you where nobody can get into.

In this very moment commemorating the promise that had been fulfilled, the subtle and the humble presence of the maker of universe, I pray. Amen.

Bitter History

Bitter histories (experiences) are there so that we can learn sth out of it which can bring common good for today's people, not to remind us of the past bitterness nor awake the useless self-satisfiying ego to be a hero and take the charge as a judge; the desire to take a revenge and stand up for the victims of those then dark days. Making peace with them is an important step here, if not, we only fuel them to occur in the now's world but with different actors and reversed roles.

What's next

11 years ago, with valuable help from my niece, I wrote my first English essay on what I want to be when I grow up. This was all about being a good English teacher partly because this was the only subject I excelled at that time.

This dream was made true 1.5 years ago, went well without significant troubles following through on those high school, college years, and now after-college life. 

I love it. Being a teacher, for the first time in life, helps me reveal an important understanding that my existence is meaningful for others. This went against my old view; that I am useless, a mere waste of space and resource.

The direct exposure to formal education practices and my simple observation have made the call even louder and clearer that teaching is really my call.

Nonetheless, a further question that often arises recently is, is this formal education the only form of teaching? I am positive, No! It's only one of the types.

Teaching can take many different forms. It's more like water; fluid, flexible, and observable concept, fitting to any containers perfectly yet naturally.

The basic idea of teaching is about helping others and one self to understand lives and their world better and brighter. That's enough of my personal definition.

What is in my mind now? I am quitting my current job as a teacher in formal education. There are some aspects of it that do not go well with my own principles and nature.

I have been struggling hard to bargain, test, and really put my every thought on it and always find some clashing ideas in mind brings me negative emotional influence, which is personally not good in a longer term.

So, the questions stands to what am I going to do? I love writing and somewhat enjoy readings and thinking. Let me begin with these three starters. Let’s see how the story will turn next year.

Role Model

The more intensive I get along with my students and meeting their moms and dads, the better I understand that we spend time immitating/copying, benchmarking, refering, in many senses ,to our role models (can also be parents, here) we look up to. The old adage, 'buah jatuh tak jauh dari pohonya' (like mother or parents like sons or daughters), applies.

Do I look like my mom? 
Yes, physically, pelicularly in some parts of body; height, nose, eyes, facial expression and so on. I resemble her, though, the rest, is from Dad. But beyond that, she is partially not my role model. The case is similar with dad.

The way my mom reponds to problems or challenges, no! Although I need to say that I've accepted her imperfections as much as I do with mine. So, I am not saying that my mom is bad. It's simply that I have my own standard. This is to this simple, I would rather shop around and assemble my own action figure.

I believe this technique of growing up is relevant enough to those whose sorrounding is not supportive (tend to be negative) or to those who've lost ideal role models.

Find and observe the sides of people you happen to encounter in your life, and do copy-pastings the parts you like and create the very one you want to be or you are destined to be.

Guppy

Guppy
like groupie
they are always happy
when seeing money
and not feeling lonely

(old poem)

Is it too fanciful mom if I wear this waist-high  skirt?
Do I look like a princess already?
Mom, I broke up!
I can’t tell you How he attractive is !
I hate him, he is always breaking promises and forgetting my birthday.
Oh my… He does not love me again.
You know what mom, I’ve been mistaken. He always loves me.
I’m always in his heart.
Mom, he intends to, it simply does not work.
Mom, I’m proposed, what a miracle, a dream that comes true.
I can’t believe it, he cheats!...
Mom, what if I end this marriage

Apa kamu?

apa kemampuanmu?
mana kutahu
carilah tau, supaya kau tetap laku!
hah! masih seperti itu?
iya, pada akhirnya memang kesitu
ah, jawabanmu tidak jitu
bukanya hidup segera berlalu?
iya, aku setuju, tapi tetaplah lakukan yang terbaik selalu
jadi terharu, tapi jawabanmu begitu melulu, bosan aku
Tunggu dulu, gendang jantungmu sebentar tak bertalu, masihkah terus begitu?

Sudah...

terengah dan semakin jengah

sudah...sudah...

senja sudah menjajah

untuk apa berkilah

sudah... sudah...

aku segera menyerah

harapan yang dulu terasah

kini hilang tiada arah

sudah...sudah...

jalan sudah terpisah

hati remuk terpanah

menjemput rinduku dengan tanah

sudah...sudah...

tiada guna membagun tanah

agar kelak bisa bermegah

sudah...sudah...

lama sudah aku berserah

namun berkah tak tercurah

sudah...sudah...

biarkan mereka sajalah

yang berkerah dibalut jubah

tiada salah

dan yang telah tersumpah

sudah...sudah...

hai kaum lemah

berhentilah menandah

kita tak lebih dari sampah

sudah...sudah...

meski aku rajin beribadah

toh aku juga masih berzinah

dan menyebar amarah

sudah...sudah...

aku segera kalah

jaman sudah bertingkah

menatapku dengan mata penuh darah

jijik melihat nanah 

disetiap langkah

Bunga

Bunga palsu
Bunga yang selalu hijau
Tak usang dimakan waktu
Hiasan dunia yang parau

Bunga asli 
Bunga yang akan segera layu
Seakan waktu tidak peduli
Tergilas dan segera berlalu

Tapi, bunga asli
Adalah simbol janji
Yg ditiup oleh Sang Maha Abadi

Berlayarlah ke sebrang

Berlayarlah ke negri sebrang
Wahai sang penantang
Lepaskan takutmu yg membayang

Biarlah impimu membentang
Melewati gugusan tujuh bintang
dan menuju batas ambang

Kadang mereka bilang
'Jangan menyebrang!'
Untuk menghalaumu datang
Namun, jangan sekali engkau bimbang

Berlayarlah & teruslah menantang
Bersiaplah untuk berperang
Sambil terus menendang
Melawan ombak yg menghadang

Berlayarlah ke negri sebrang
Masa depan sedang berkumandang
Memberi jalan untuk terus berdendang;

'Aku tidak akan berang
Meski berjalan disimpang,
Karena aku ada dalam Terang
Makaku tetap tenang'

Berlayarlah ke negri sebrang
Masa depanmu sedang memandang
Meski jam terus berdentang
Jalanmu masih sangat panjang

Didedikasikan untuk sepupu Cahya Unggul Hartama yg berangkat berlayar. Enjoy the voyage and live your life to the fullest!

Running to the hill

Things are well
though like been through hell
that I can't really tell
Oh, hell!
Another coming down as well

with the sound of a wheel
screeching on its steel
after every deal
on unbridled will

Now...
I am hiking the hill
to get some heal
though my heel
refuse to kneel

Tomorrow...
I work as hard as a mill
and to swim like a seal
because I have many things to fill
It's the bill
and meal

Until...
I can't stand still
or run out of skills

By the time...
I will be healed
from the enemy's will
who's trying hard to kill
with its heel on the wheel

Imagining these:

A cup of green tea
and coffee
by the sea
with only me
and every thing I see

No Judge

Thought I were the judge
I feel like a badge
In fact, it's my grudge
I only fudge

Thought I were the torch
In fact, I am not that such
Neither that much