8 Juni: Di MetroTV

Selama ini hanya bisa menonton. Sekarang saya datang ke studionya langsung. Ada 100 pelamar dalam program Management Development Program, MetroTV. Saya orang ke sekian buncitnya. Perasaan saya saat ini campur aduk, antusias sekaligus minder. Sensasi aneh yang memabukan.

Menarik. Saya memiliki kesempatan untuk 'berkunjung' langsung ke tempat program TV favorit saya di produksi. Di lantai dua, saya bisa melihat dari kejauhan acara 811 show sedang diproduksi. Wow...wow...wow...

Saya pengen bisa bertemu anchor – anchor favorit saya; Desi Anwar, Marrisa Anita, Prabu Revolusi, Prita Laura, dan Suryo Pratomo. Udik memang.

Saya berharap bisa bertemu figur yang disebutkan. Untungngya jarak saya denga eskalator hanya kurang lebih 10 meter. :)

Saya dapar menilik aktifitas di stasiun berita ini. Kalaupun saya tidak lolos. Paling tidak pengalamanlah yang saya dapatkan. Sesuatu yang bisa diceritakan kepada orang – orang terdekat saya.

Kalau diperhatikan dengan seksama, penampilan kandidat lain di hari ke-dua ini sangat maksimal. Saya bisa membayangkan bagaimana dengan hari pertama. Belum lagi kualifikasi dengan pengalaman yang tertera di resume. :(

Tapi entah kenapa saya yakin kalau saya juga tidak kalah. Meskipun saya juga tidak yakin ini keyakinan buta atau beralasan.

Yos

20 Maret 2011: Sehari ini saya habiskan di rumah dan di depan laptop.

Saya tidak ke gereja hari ini, karena beberapa alasan. Atau ada baiknya saya tulis, ya?

Pertama, saya tidak nyaman berada di sana. Saya merasa diawasi. 

Kedua, saya merasa kebutuhan spiritual tidak terpenuhi. Alih – alih mendapatkan penyegaran rohani, saya malah merasa butek dan kecewa. Entah kecewa terhadap apa.

Ketiga, saya kurang suka mengikuti kebaktian berbahasa jawa. Saya tidak bisa kusuk mengikutinya.

Dari ketiga alasan ini, memang semuanya self-centered. Namun demikian, saya tidak memaksakan diri untuk merasa bersalah atau berdosa. Saya masih bertumbuh. Saya tidak menutup mata kalau hal itu tidak benar. Adalah hal yang mustahil untuk memaksakan diri agar serta merta tumbuh menjadi orang yang saleh dalam waktu sekejab. Dalam kematangan spiritual, time matters!

Siangnya, saya dan ibu ngobrol ringan tentang banyak hal. Kami mengobrolkan banyak hal dari mulai urusan tetangga sampai yang lainya. Kadang penting bagi saya untuk mengetahui apa yang terjadi di sekitar. Saya haus akan informasi. 

Setelah beberapa saat mengobrol, sampailah pada topik yang jarang sekali dicetuskan oleh ibu. Dia bilang ada seorang pria yang mendekatinya. Saya tertawa mendengarnya. Umur ibu 50 tahun dan orang tersebut lebih tua darinya. Ibu bilang dia tetangga kosnya dulu ketika ibu ngajar di Jogja. Sampai sekarang dia belum meningkah. Orang itu getol ngejar – ngejar ibu. Rupanya dari muda, dia udah kesengsem sama ibu.

Lalu topik mulai melancar ke perningkahan. Ibu menerangkan bahwa dari jaman dulu perselingkuhan sudah lumrah. Seorang pria menghamili orang lain dan kumpul kebo. Dari cerita jamn dulu sampai cerita jaman sekarang. Yang saya tangkap dari situ, ibu mencoba untuk membenarkan perselingkuhan dan kumpul kebo dengan mengatakan bahwa sudah banyak orang yang melakukanya dari jaman dulu. 

Apakah dengan demikian ini benar dihadapan Allah?

Saya tidak berlagak menjadi polisi moral yang menghakimi. Karena menurut saya ketika saya menghakimi, standar itu akan dibalikan ke saya, saya lupa ayat yang mengatakan hal ini. Saya memang merasa belum cukup kuat. Saya merasa masih belum apa – apa dan tidak pantas menghakimi. Saya tidak punya lisensinya. Saya belum mengalami ujian – ujian yang memastikan kualitas pribadi saya.

Saat ini yang saya pikirkan yakni, belajar mencari hikmat Tuhan. Karena hanya dengan ini, kualitas sistem yang ingin saya capai tidak turun. Karena hidup dalam sistem Tuhan, kita harus take the high road and raise the bar!

10 Maret 2011: I lost my personal diaries and some good drafts!

I forgot that I had written some good works. Unfortunately, I put them away of my hardisk. I lost them, some of works that I really have put my mind into and can't afford to lose; around five personal diaries and four poems; We are early raisers now, Baby Blues; Katanya, I love her as much as she loves me, S(he), and Taken back, are after all what I could remember.

I was proud of my self. They were my confidence boosters! 

Did I say a confidence booster? 

That's the problem. My ability to write good piece has conquered me. My ego whispers to say nothing to credit God.

Confidence makes the ability stand tall and speaks for itself. In the end, it will turn into arrogance. That's where I've been in for some time. I laid my confidence and understanding on my self.

Through this happenstance, God reminds me of who the source of knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence is. It is Him!

When God want them back, who could afford to defense them to Him? 

To calm down my despair, I can tell myself that the world does not run into pieces when I lost them. It spins still. Hope is still here living in me, because the source of hope here, too.

Lesson learned

Rely your confidence on God!

Yos

Don't hold onto them too tight!

Parents,
don't hold onto your children
too tight
because you can cripple them
hurt their wings

let them fly
on their own time
if once or twice, or even many times
they fall
don't worry
they can learn
and will learn

if they fail to fly
time and your support
are what they need

don't hold onto them too tight
you harm them
in many ways
you've never imagined

'Be good parents!'
who knows the right time
for offering helps

don't get afraid of being one
your children can see what is abandonment
and what is not
they are just like you

don't hold onto them too tight
be there
to watch over them

don't worry
as long as they follow His path
they are safe all the way

“Don't hold onto your children
too tight that God can't move them'

Basi

Ibarat Trasi
Terfermentasi
Impiku basi

Tak berhilir
Tak berakhir
Tak bergulir

Sejauh pikir

Seperti secuil
Kerikil
Di ujung kail
Mendamba hasil

Weekly Journal #3: Oh my God!

'I am not water, but clay.'

I was feeling rather dry and frustrated on the day I posted the facebook status. I didn't feel I perfectly fit to my new workplace at that time. I would need extra time to get to know my surroundings. I am not that flexible, the type of person who can adjust to things around quickly.

I am more of clay. Good processes and time are at my heart. Time will allow me to shape, burn, paint, and one more time dry in order to get quality porcelain. Oftentimes I need to go back and forth to make sure I am on the track. However, once settled, dried, and firm, people can count on me. I can be reliable and trustworthy.

Speaking of the fourth week as a teacher, I begin to find problems. When it has come to making plans reality, I get some troubles. I tend to follow students' mood to learn. When things get harder and demanding, I compromise.

“Let's have free time,' I told them after a test.

Some would say that I have been too nice to them. Perhaps, yes, I have been nice, regardless of the times I showed my disappointments to students verbally.

To tell you the truth, I want my students to be good and if possible be the best they can. However, I feel it is important they have a strong trust in me, that I will and can help them.

“I am not here not to make things look more difficult, but to make them easier,” I once told my students. It stays in my mind during the entire process of learning in the class. I want my presence useful, so they can take out something of me.

On another occasion, I provided my students recording and its transcript. I expected them to compare what they read and listen. I didn't offer them opportunities to ask questions on purpose. I was eager to know how far they can initiate questions. In the end, I was left with no questions. No initiatives. They are reluctant to ask, have no questions, or confused with the objective of my activity? I bet for the last.

However, when I come across some questions, for instance, how do I know if I am too nice? Should I compare myself to others' thought or standards? If so, how reliable are the standards? A good teacher, nice teacher, and pleasant teacher are no more than opinion. Opinion is subjective.

One thing for sure, a teacher is a learner him/herself. I'd better shift my focus from the right or wrong concept to such substantial issue as what to do to improve my quality as a professional teacher. Simply remember that I am clay, and I'll let the potter form me. So, here I am, the clay!

Wrap ups!

               Problems with understanding Instructions
                        Simpler Explanations
                                  Students been so sweet
                             Postponed salary
                                            Quite poor teachings
                                                                  Biggest test
                                  Time flies by
                                                 One thing at a time
                                     Catch a fever
                                                        Going to Mall more regularly
                                                   DaviNet

Weekly Journal #2: Oh my!

Dear Lord, we are very grateful for a new opportunity you gave, for another day for us to learn about things, to be with our best friends, and to have some fun. Thank you for all of that. We remember those who are unfortunate, who cannot go to school, and cannot afford to pay the school fee. Please, be with them and give them peace. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen!

This is how I end the class whenever I get the chance to. I really hope this prayer can be a wake-up call for students. They are very lucky, aren't they? That is the reason I want them to thank God for those privileges they (might) have taken for granted. I need to keep them in track, feeling grateful for their lives. Though later I found that it is not the only job I have as a teacher.

On Saturday, August 6, I attended a parent-teacher meeting. The number one figure in the school explained, 'to educate is somehow different to, to teach.'

To teach is as far as to make the unknown known. Yet, to educate covers a greater aspect. It, as explained, is about forming characters. In other equally thrilling terms, to educate means to draw a blueprint of the future.

Who on earth am I to do such as a job? I am a teacher in the making and an unfinished work as an individual. I am struggling both with self-discipline and directing my own life. How could I be such a decisive figure for someone else's life?

It was too much of unrealistic views. I can only get along with them 90 minutes per week. It equals 360 minutes per month or 6 hours per month. I am reluctant to compare it to the remaining time they spend with their girl/boyfriends, and families. It's going to be very little and could look insignificant

When a friend of mine told me that I might be a real teacher (an educator), I was not sure about what I was supposed to say. If measured against the parameter, I am definitely out straight away. I have no reasons to be humble around this matter, by the way.

I have got a lot to do in very little time, 26 hours teachings per week, 26 hours preparations, 26 correcting students' works and giving them constructive feedbacks, as well as more hours to take roles in some school events. Sorry! I am overwhelmingly booked everyday. Yes, you're right. I am complaining.

I go to school 06.15 and back home 16.00. I will have been used up by the time I get home. However, the major cause of this fatigue are those speeches I do in the front of free minded and active persons staring at me almost everyday. I teach Grade X, XI, and XII. It is my relief that we don't have grade XIV! As what I predicted would happen, the loads are simply a lot.

Many to think about in so limited time. I have to think about teaching objectives, the materials, activities, audio-video aids, and most of all the talk itself (I keep thinking of the content, grammars, and pronunciation during the lessons).

Looking back at times when a storm of reality hadn't struck me yet, I can recall those youthful spirit. I didn't (hopefully don't) want to get settled. I was rather over critical to the existing system. I told I could be the change.

'It should have been this way and that that way.'

'What about making this one? It works there and seems to work here, too.'

Dear Lord, You know it, I got so much to do. But I don't want to skip the chance to be the channel through which You pour your blessings to others. When I get low, You always know what to do. Use me! I remember those who begin losing the heart to be the solution for others to be 24-hours helps for other. Give them peace. In Jesus's name we pray. Amen!

Weeky Journal #1

The first five things to remember

I had no idea how to best begin the journal I promised I would write with. I knew someone is going to read it and puts judgments on it. Some might have had certain expectation in their mind about what I was about to write. I didn't get the nerve to carry on should I thought of it. I found it hard to jot down idea up to this point. My fear was I don't manage to live up their expectations. I am accustomed to expect my self so high, that having someone expect me higher, to write something better does not sound a good idea. In order to free me just a little bit, let me write the story as if you are not going to read it. As if it is for myself to read, for personal purposes.

A co-worker once asked me a good question, what my first five impression to the school is. This question is very simple and easy to answer. Early impressions normally last longer in mind.

On July 15, 2011, a congratulating call somewhat surprised me. It confirmed me that I passed the recruitment processes. On Monday, three days after the call, I got an acceptance letter and was scheduled meet the head of the school. Prior to the meeting with the HRD officer, I knew the level and where I would be working at already. Thanks to my senior at college.

I was immediately mesmerized at how high, physically, the school is as soon as I arrived. It is a six-story building with relatively large parking lot, basket ball field, and within a school complex. The closest image in mind was SMA Lab or F-building of SWCU. It is the best apple-to-apple comparison I could think of for the moment. I am sure that the school is well-funded, a typical kind for middle-end people. I could sense this is the right place, the right one for my goal. My sole purpose to leave for this place was to get picture how everything is going out side, outside Salatiga and Ngablak, where I have spent most of my time growing up. I was curious about how my life would be in different places.

Having my steps a little farther away off the entry gate, I could see some good city cars parked. A train of thought passed by. Some students seemed to get their driving cards already. I, soon, learned that more students are not that willing to go to school by public transportation or whenever possible on foot. This results in a long queue of cars waiting to drop off the passengers. It is a routine. During a teacher morning briefing one day, I understood that this was a serious issue. There are always there everyday, five days a week, a traffic congestion.

I could not get rid of the firm and calm look of the head mistress. She, in a way. reminded me of my senior high school headmistress, well-mannered and groomed type of woman at her mid forties. She was having a student with her in the office. She threw a glance at me and gave me a sign to wait outside. Minutes later, She invited me to come in. After a brief welcome and a chit chat, she led me to go to the teacher room.

To my surprise, as the door opened, I could see a large yet loaded room. The headmistress introduced me to them, them to me. They responded. They welcomed me warmly by clapping their hands. I smiled and lost my mind. It took me for a while to think about what to do at that very moment. Very odd. I loved it, though. I enjoyed their warmth, applauses and welcoming smiles. They were as though telling me, 'Good job at college and now good luck for the job!'. The headmistress then showed me my own table, interrupting this awkward time. The office was not as private as I expected. However, I could learn at least to share the room with the people and be less self-centered. Isn't it all what teaching all about? About sharing? About putting your own business aside to give more room for others?

Some teachers are born comedians. They are humorous and looking well-experienced to build a positive atmosphere. However, the more important moment was when I found that many speak Javanese. And to my relief, they don't mind speaking Javanese during break. I feel home! This is important for the transition as I am shifting my self from an unemployed to an in-service teacher.

I have had anything I wanted and what I had longed for, a job! A good one, very good indeed. The expectation and demand must be, in my opinion, high. Will I survive? I don't know. However, to look at the five-year-long preparation and how far I have come helps me feel alright. I am never alone, am I? A moment later, I could hear a comment from a lonely and lacking of self esteem person saying, 'I'd better stop here to make the journal focused, well-structured, and free of off-the-topic details.'

Remembering morning classes

This article is inspired by a Facebook status of a friend expressing her enjoyment to a teacher’s prayer preceding a morning class.

“terenyuh mendengar doanya bu Raema sebelum kuliah dimulai yang intinya we are nothing without YOU, My Almighty Lord, Jesus Christ...I love You ♥”

The temptation to get control over things are always there, in the class; to control situations, teachers, students, classmates, study group friends, and so forth. And the truth of the matter, none can hold a full control over others' minds. Each of them has an independent mind. Failing to get it, we get desperate and frustrated. Therefore, the prayer is there as a confirmation of that limitation. It helps us figure out energy to do something good within the limitation.

This ceremonial seeming activity would also help us accept wrong doings; for not doing the best we can; for not reading the textbooks the night before, not paying tribute to the explanation, and including not really getting interested in what is learned.

The prayer can bring us peace, if we allow it to.

Reserving a spot in heaven

Front Desk Officer of Heaven: Good morning, is there anything I can help?

Me: Can I reserve a spot in Heaven? I'm afraid to miss any when the night comes.

Front Desk Officer of Heaven: And your name, Sir?

Me: Yosafat Arif Setiadi. By the way, I googled it and found some people out there with almost similar name. So, make sure you get my name spelled correctly. It's Y-O-S-A-F-A-T, not Y-O-S-A-P-H-A-T.

Front Desk Officer of Heaven: Sure. Would you mind waiting for a moment.
Me: Nope.


Front Desk Officer of Heaven smiles.


Front Desk Officer of Heaven: Sir, We have a spot reserved on your name. And our data base has recorded any information related to you. Please, have a look in case we make some mistakes.


Me glances through the reservation book.


Me: No. They are right. Thank you. I'll be back whenever I have to. See you!
Front Desk Officer of Heaven: See you. We'll be waiting for you.


Me walks out of the door, leaves the officer.


Front Desk Officer of Heaven: Sir?

Me: Yes?

Front Desk Officer of Heaven: Do you have any more questions?

Me: No. It's enough for me to know that I have had my name on the list.
Front Desk Officer of Heaven: I'm talking about who reserved and paid the bill for you.
...